Several commenters pointed out that he was an Aspie. He ignores them, neglects them, treats them like 2 yos when they are beyond that, gaslights them, puts them in dangerous situations, makes them late, forgets their basic self-care stuff (hair, teeth, homework, eating healthy). I love him dearly and know he is a good person and has love in him. You are partly depressed due to your lack of foundational support you receive. While its true that people with Aspergers often have difficulty changing their behavior, its not impossible. Blessings to all who are dealing with this. People with the spectrum are frequently unable to form and maintain relationships in adulthood due to a lack of social and communication skills. I do not fully understand what all forbearance is or what it looks like practiced by the wounded spouse. My youngest is now 21. You can take ourmental health test. Maybe it's me. Every spouse and marriage will be unique. Some of these are: The environment in which you are raised can have a big impact on the kind of person that you become. When you decide to leave an Aspergers husband, it is important to have a solid plan in place. Please be well. There is no reasoning with these men, dont get tangled up with trying to get them to see a different opinion, they never will. We own nothing. There can also be a spectrum of the level of severity of symptoms. This may include various ways, however, it is important to stay strong and have a clear mind while you are making this decision. He also doesnt always understand when someone is mad or upset. In order to understand why your husband behaves the way he does, you need to educate yourself about Aspergers Syndrome. Dont control my partner. Let it go. If you are able to work together and understand each others needs, then you can have a successful and happy relationship. Its called, by David Finch. People say hes a nice guy!? Im so sorry for all the women who are suffering in this kind of a marriage. Having someone to talk to will help you through this difficult time and allow you to express your feelings. I love him of course but I feel daunted and worry about his future. I do care about him but cannot call it love at this point. We existed like this for 6 and a half years after which I told him to move out of our bed. Sex is difficult for autistic adults due to sensory issues, which make the physical aspects of it uncomfortable. Learn how to better communicate for a happier. However, over time, understanding their needs has become second nature to me which gives me patience when communicating his wants and needs in social situations. Maybe there's something wrong with me," she said. If you are struggling to cope with his condition, there are many resources available to help you. Do an anxiety check-in: Ask yourself, Where am I on a 10-point scale?. After the wedding he informed me that he didnt want to be married but we would pretend in front of our friends and family so he wouldnt look like a loser. Leslie, thanks for your very good overview of Aspergers Syndrome. You can read more about Cassandra Syndrome or OTRS here. He is very loving and affectionate towards me, and he really makes an effort to let me know how much he loves me. For people with ASD, touching frequently results in avoidance. He is neurologically unable to see things from another persons point of view. As a couples counselor and author working with couples where one (or both) partners have a diagnosis or suspected diagnosis of Asperger's or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Ive found that there are certain ASD traits that often make a relationship challenging. This can make it hard for them to understand the needs of their husbands. Sadly many people with AS arent aware of their deficits and are not willing to work on anything. A marriage or other long-term relationship can only succeed when a significant amount of effort is put into it. I went through menopause, without affection nor support. Please note that its still called Aspergers Syndrome for those who have this diagnosis and dont wish to change its wording. He or she processes language literally. However, as long as we communicate what works and doesnt work from both sides then hopefully over time we will learn new ways of coping with these challenges together as a couple regardless of whether one partner has been formally diagnosed on the spectrum or not. Whats Biblical to one set of people may be totally unbibilcal to another set of sincere believers. When a couple is unaware of the possibility of Aspergers, frustration, anger, and hurt feelings may arise. Around 1% of the general population are thought to be autistic, according to research. Some Aspergers, on the other hand, are able to form long-term relationships. There are big issues (carrying most of the load of family life, his meltdowns/shutdowns, no sex life, being treated like a business partner, info-only communication, etc.) A while back a book came out written by a husband who was diagnosed with Aspergers who wanted to do all he could do to win his wife back. Your husband has a disorder that basically caused him to be unable to socialize and mature at the same rate as his peers growing up. In general, however, it is important to remember that people with Aspergers often have difficulty understanding the needs and emotions of others. If the relationship has not come to the point that you feel thatliving with Aspergers spouse is impossible then there is help available. Keep in mind i have just been on my feet non stop for a 14 hour shift, not to mention I am in lockdown in a Covid unit. Living with Aspergers can be very challenging because it is a neurological disorder that impacts how a person perceives and interacts with their environment. This can make it hard for them to understand the needs of their husbands. This can make it difficult for them to form and maintain relationships. However, I think I can answer your question and refer you to a few other resources that may help you as well. There can be many challenges faced if my husband has Aspergers. Using this, with a capital B even, shows either lack of understanding or awareness of how those who do not interpret your assesment of Biblical the same way may receive your advice. If you dont feel safe in your own home, it may be time to leave. You both can mutually agree to end the marriage and start fresh. The brain of a person with this neurological problem works differently than someone without it, especially how it processes language and social cues. Due to the volume of questions we receive, we cannot answer every one. I have tried to talk to him but he's being cold towards me and won't respond. Spouses with Asperger's can initially meet a need within the relationships and these traits can often be seen as attractive. Make it a point every day to let go of the little things about your partner that annoy you. We have been together for 20 years, having met in our late 20s, and have four children - two boys and two girls. This is especially true if your husband has Aspergers. To understand how Asperger's can create such angst in a relationship, it's important to know how people with it are affected. I am planning a divorce. Having a therapist who specializes in offering support to couples where a spouse has an Aspergers diagnosis, who is also grounded makes the difference of how the strengths that already exist are built upon and the challenges worked through in a structured and concrete way. For an extended period of time, a NT spouse may experience mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, affective deprivation disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of living with an undiagnosed and untreated partner with AS. I Feel Guilty Leaving. The difference, Id say, is that the narcissist is malicious, whereas the person with ASD is clueless. Asperger's syndrome (as it used to be called) is a developmental disorder along the Autism Spectrum in which an individual may be very high functioning and intelligent but lacks in social awareness and processing. Online TherapyPhysiotherapyDiabetesHypertensionWeight Loss / GainPrimary Care, Employers / CorporatesHealth plansDoctors / ProvidersTherapists, Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Refund Policy | Our Locations. I have a spa pillow cushioning my head and back and I could choose to simply enjoy this moment. We all have expectations of our values as an individual and part of the union of marriage. Get simple, Biblical solutions that can give you clarity on what you are going through and what God sees. I suspect my husband has Aspergers. Even though he sometimes struggles with understanding his children, especially when they are upset or emotional, he always tries his best to help them feel better and understand their emotions. I often feel appreciated by my husband. I don't know if I want to discuss the ins and outs of my relationship on an open forum but please feel free to PM me. The biggest challenge whether or not you and your husband can make your marriage work will not be the diagnosis itself but what your husband does with it. But it is indeed important to distinguish between them. There is no cure for this condition and it will never get any. Did not feel safe. In October 2016, when Jared was 34 years old, we found out he has Asperger's syndrome. If you judge his breaking the vase as intentional rather than accidental, that incident feels different for you than if you accepted that it was an accident because he couldnt see.. No need to stay! He would not have it any other way than for us to live together as one big happy family along with our three cats, dog, and baby. As mentioned earlier, people with Aspergers often have difficulty understanding sarcasm and jokes. I dont know much about this topic, but I wanted to share what Ive seen. In this blog post, we will discuss some of the signs that indicate it is time to end your marriage. I could feel my mood plummet and body tense as my mind was fixed on the worst-case scenario about what could happen. Working on marriage takes time, effort, and patience. I have decided to leave my husband and sell the house. Aspergers syndrome (as it used to be called) is a developmental disorder along the Autism Spectrum in which an individual may be very high functioning and intelligent but lacks in social awareness and processing. People with Aspergers often avoid making eye contact. I dont know the future. I think they will do well. Doing so will serve you well. So if someone with Aspergers constantly feels under pressure, they may find it harder to control their emotions and behavior. When a partner has Aspergers also known as High Functioning Autism this can present with invisible dynamics within the relationship that press outward and or against the individual partners cloaked in a cloud of shame and secrecy. If youre not willing to put in the work, it may be best to leave. I am very fearful of how incapable of caring for the children he is. Some people living with Aspergers, on the other hand, may seek a life where they can be left to their own areas of pursuits. You are 62. He struggles a LOT with having close relationships, because of the social difficulties you mentioned. He is essentially much less mature than you, and thus he is unable to cope with the more complex adult problems in life. I cant go back into that. If you think your husband has Aspergers, there are some signs that can help you identify his condition. Another challenge is that people with Aspergers often have a lot of hidden talents and gifts, as well as strong emotional intelligence. I do not know if there is a way out of this mess for me? I am afraid i will somehow be forced to walk away without my 401k , let alone any other monies. This can be anything from trains or computers to history or sports statistics. Almost immediately, I saw that our issues were just going to exacerbate one another, but tried to swallow some of his issues that caused me anxiety because I was married now and should try to make it work. Forbearance is a Biblical term meaning learning to accept a fault or a weakness without resentment or rancor. When you make better connections, you can improve your relationships health. Ask more questions. Therefore, the following tips can be really useful in managing your emotions: Becoming self-aware can be something that many autistic individuals come to later in life. Slow down.. I knew he had problems but choose to stay with him. When I saw the words feel guilty I felt like this was going to be a much-needed question and answer to read. That can often help to avoid meltdowns and aggressive behaviors. Do some grounding exercises to feel connected to your body. Lose the tension., My words Am I being kind, or hurtful? Make this is a daily practice! Aspergers syndrome can be difficult to manage in the long run, as the characteristics of the disorder can be difficult to manage. Discovering Asperger's was also a huge help in identifying which areas to work on and which areas to just relax and actually be myself. My son has AS, and he is very conscious about loving other people and not bringing his own difficulties into his relationships. If I dont want my kitchen scissors used in the garage and I say to leave them in kitchen I am causing a problem! This can be difficult, but it is important to try to understand your husbands perspective. Aspergers intimacy needs and wants are also problematic for the other partner. Little things can make a big difference in a marriage, and its common for husband and wife to find things that irritate one another. Although he makes a lot of missteps, he is a safe person for me and his sister because he cares. It used to be called Cassandra Phenomena but has recently been relabeled Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (OTRS). My dreams for a Christian home and family never materialized. January 1, 2011 at 12:38 PM This may be because they find it difficult to process what they see and hear simultaneously. We seek out romantic love desperately in our culture regardless of our differences. I hoped that it would work (but probably for selfish reasons). Just saying between nursing and Aspergers my life has been crazy. Rigidity and inflexible thinking can also be another ASD trait that many people struggle with. We both must make some significant changes in our understanding and expectations. People with AS exhibit empathy despite being stigmatized as such, despite the fact that this is a mental illness that harms their ability to communicate. I thought this was great until biblical was brought in. Additionally, with other layers of unions that involve, interracial, same-sex, physical or mental abilities would present with their own layers of challenges and strengths. I also recommend reading Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going Over the Edge? Hi Leslie, The symptoms can range in severity, so not everyone who has Aspergers will experience the same challenges. Would you feel guilty if you were sick with cancer and needed to have your own treatment? However, the decision to end the relationship is ultimately up to you. Here is what you need to know whenliving with Aspergers spouse-. Being married to someone on the Autism spectrum presents unique challenges and opportunities. What Is Marriage Coaching? What an epiphany and learning curve its been! The happy couple now have two children together. There has been so much pain over the last 14 years. I recommend that people (both partners in the relationship) print out this article (modify it for your own traits and habits to work on) and look at it daily at least twice a day by keeping it in a place that you spend a lot of time at, like an office desk, meditation/prayer nook, bedside table, or on your phone, and really commit to this. One common sign is that my husband often avoids making eye contact. Ask: What are the sensations in my body? Because Aspergers husbands tend to be very controlling, you want to make sure that you are able to support yourself before you leave. I have been with my husband for nearly 50 years and so much of what she said echoed my own experiences. In addition to Rs comments I would like to add that AS has degrees; there are obvious cases but some cases are subtle. Answer: First, before I answer your question let me give a disclaimer that I am not an expert on Aspergers or Autism Spectrum disorder as its better defined these days. I may be 65 but, I am taking back my life and am going to be my best friend, since he never was. I cant have bathtub fixed because it isnt broken, if I put a wash cloth in drain hole the water will stay in long enough to get a fast bath besides I can use the shower! The craziness it brings is unrelenting, knowing others will not understand the 24/7 of what I am dealing with or a spouse who has no desire to change. Persons with AS/ASD are good at masking their disability by role playing and copying other's behavior. Be flexible even if it hurts my brain a little. This can be difficult at times since there are many challenges faced by those diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Take the garbage out of your mind daily! , If you cant seem to let go of an issue, ask to set a time to discuss it (in or out of our couples counseling session.). There can be a number of negative effects if my husband has Aspergers. But I also dont trust that he is really looking to be my husbandand I cant put my finger on why I feel like this. These are the ways that can help you leave your Aspergers husband. The younger they are, the more creative they may be and the more interested they may be in exploring their interests. 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