Not a legacy to be proud of. Press J to jump to the feed. It's like having a toddler. Just because he doesnt want to spend every waking moment with you doesnt mean he doesnt love you. Thank you, EG! Whether she values what she has or not I know her friends and coworkers are jealous when they stair at me like a piece of meat-haha. Ok fine. Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, Most of the Time My Husband Doesnt Want to do Sh*t, No Such Thing As TMI The Importance of Full Disclosure After You Have Had an Affair, Affair Recovery Moving On After Infidelity, Taking Inventory: A New Approach to the New Year & A Betrayed Spouses Bill of Rights, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. My husband retired last year and although he has time to do things, he does nothing. Right now some days I just want to crawl under a rock. Stacy Taniguchi grew up as a Buddhist in Hawaii and joined the Church so that he could marry his girlfriend who was a Latter-day Saint. You are so VERY right. She got to screw another guy for 2 years and I was now bending over backwards trying to make her happywth? I should have kicked her out immediately and filed for divorce. We even half-joked that the guys must be suffering from a lack of testosterone while both of the women are now ripe for affairs. being a friend to. I found a good website on CPTSD, called Strength to Heal, I think. Oh bless you it really does sound very similar.. to the poster who suggested getting others involved, without going into too much detail I did just that. Real boyfriends take their girlfriends out on dates. The excitement and stimulation came from the illicitness of what they were doing sneaking around on their spouses like teenagers. First, talk to him about how youre feeling and see if theres anything he can do to change the situation. He has no ideas, no desire to do simple fun or actively engage with me on anything. What to do when my husband never wants to do anything with me during this period? No matter what the problem is, communication is critical. Relationships are challenging, and that includes marriages. 1. All lies he makes up to mess with her head. And as the years go by and more time and effort is devoted to raising and nurturing kids and taking care of all of lifes other issues, this weakness, along with adventure and passion, is often overlooked. Im exhausted and burned out. Agreed. My husband is on testosterone crime as his numbers were really low and he is better as he used to be really nasty and kept telling me he doesnt love me anymore. Arent all of you lucky:). They were also agitated, aggravated and fed up. I want to see that worried look on my h face, but you know Im not sure I will see it, I was looking good while in his affair fog and he still told me I could lose more, I painted the whole house on my own and he put that down too, all while in the fog. Last night my husband and sister got into a somewhat heated discussion when she brought up a friend from our hometown that got caught cheating. Thank you exercise grace and for cryinoutloud, I appreciate your kind words. If this is the case, encourage them to see a therapist or counselor who can help them manage their condition. Liz Pardue-Schultz and her husband Greg Schultz Silver Charm Photography Many people in relationships often feel obligated to accompany their partners to events they don't want to go to,. I ask because I feel exactly the same way as you. I agree that, for me, its my commitment to God, first and foremost. It may seem that way, Rachel, but from what youve said he really isnt in control. If theres one thing that does not exist in a long-term marriage its that feeling of newness. An issue my husband never wants to do anything with me could also mean that hes an introvert and he just needs some time alone to recharge. If your spouse is dealing with depression or anxiety, they may not want to do anything, let alone spend time with you and your family. My husband is a homebody, so am i, but i do like to go out just for an hour or (walk the dog , or take the kids to the park on their bikes). I usually dont think of him at all. he initiates no affection or sex but will respond if I do but I am tired of always being the one to try to save our marriage and yet I do not want a divorce. This way, your husband knows that youre serious about wanting to spend time with him, and he wont feel like hes being nagged. The truth lies in the middle, where two selfish people made themselves look like all that and they were both stupid enough to think that someone who was willing to lie and deceive their spouse would magically be some honest, ethical person with THEM. Apparently its not caused by lack of love at all, but probably more likely due to the lack of newness, adventure and passion. True. He sounds more like an FWB if. This could be an emotional affair or a physical one. I'll want to go somewhere or do something and he tells me he doesn't want to go or do whatever it may be. What a shame eg, they are not going to see it. You might not see it, but your relatives can sometimes be quite overwhelming, especially if theyre always around. My parents were recent ly deceased, I had no money cause he would not work, and no where to go. It may be kind of obscure sometimes but its there. While it IS true that there is not a marriage on this planet that could not benefit from better communication, increased date nights and focus on each other as a couple, etc, feel free to add your wants and needs.Cheating is WRONG. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, am I the asshole? I agree with you. If he has been married before he doesnot see the need to impress again. I know now we got pregnant way too early after the affair becuse Im obviously still struggling in the aftermath. While your situation isnt unique, it is nevertheless not typical. They didnt really do anything or go anywhere special together and to the casual observer, certainly not anything or anywhere exciting. Its essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you dont share the same enthusiasm. Speak with your doctor about whether you even have anything to disclose at this point. Donot tell him your every move. It had an article about trauma recovery that said basically you are healed when you can review the trauma in a non emotional way. If youre constantly asking your husband to spend time with you, he may feel like youre not putting in enough effort to make it happen. People value what they invest in as opposed to what they are not invested in.. I handled it FAR better than he did, and I think I should be the one ranting and raving over how bad it made me feel. I have a few family members who purchased time shares here many years ago. Yes! But I fear that when you live in a kind of dull state you will gravitate towards more exciting people. and we started dating. First, try to be more positive when youre around him. "Try not to accuse or assume." 3. Doug, Linda, anyone elseone topic I would love to see discussed: how do you handle ti when the topic of affairs comes up in discussion with friends, etc. Plus, itll give you some time to pursue your own interests instead of thinking for hours: My husband never wants to do anything with me.. Another option is speaking to him about events that he would prefer you attend with a friend. Talk to him about how youre feeling and see if theres anything you can do to help relieve some of his stress. Im worthy f respect, from him and his family, he should stand by my every time his family disrespect me. Say what you will, but there's often quite a bit of truth to jokes. If your husband is spending more time with friends, at work, or on his hobbies, it might be because hes found someone new to spend his time with. I was thinking, I wonder how my h would like to see me in those clothes, all vintage like. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. And if your husband has told you outright that hes no longer attracted to you, its time for a serious conversation. And he needs to answer those questions. Of course, this isnt to say that you should never come first. everything else is just circumstantial, and an excuse. Now he is going away on a friend's five-day stag trip. Our social lives can revolve a bit too much THROUGH our kids. Plan a weekly date night where you go out to dinner or see a movie, Go on weekend trips together even if its just for a few hours, Make time for a weekly game night or hobby night, Exercise together this can be anything from going for a walk to playing tennis. Healthy communication is consistently cited as one of the most important elements of a successful marriage. Actually.. She understands several crucial retirement principles for marriage that I want you to adopt. There is no reason to feel guilty if you attend a dinner with a girlfriend if your husband would prefer to not go and is fine with you attending. Rachel 22/07/2018 09:47. The outcome is a husband who is detached and less interested in being around his wife. I gained weight after the birth of my child, I admit. The judge stated that nobody wins in a divorce. The body can pass the infection. All through his fog. I know exactly how you feel. Unique Proposal Ideas To Make Your Partner Say Yes, 21 Signs the Universe Wants You to Be With Someone, What to Do When a Guy Ghosts You: Obvious Red Flag Explained. If anything, it is a great opportunity to spend quality time with single friends. If anyone condones cheating, or blames one of the affair partners or a spouse, you just have to wonder WHY. If you want to close the gap, try making a regular date night where you can focus on each other without distractions. He has outgrown you or never cared in the first place or he is just self absorbed and a loner. I know the signs now, I know his tells when something is up. While I will own my mistakes, own what I need to work on in MY life and own how I can communicate better, etc to improve my marriage, I am sick to death of the prevalent societal idea that people cheat because something is lacking at home. I have even spoken with his dr. Who says she doesnt see it yet he has all the signs. He needs to stop using his depression as an excuse for not putting effort in this relationship and if it's this bad he needs to get it under control and start on medication or start seeing someone. Lets face it, we arent children anymore, either have an adult relationship or dont, if you do not want to, then let the other person go so he/she can. As you say, freedom to do what you want, and in my husband's case, no mood swings, he is always just even tempered. How profound. A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over. Also, the 21st birthday of my oldest son. Mumsnet carries some affiliate marketing links, so if you buy something through our posts, we may get a small share of the sale (more details here). Of course, this doesnt mean that you should never spend time with your spouse. I only vent here. Friends disappear and you can't go anywhere. he had an emotional affair a few years ago and I have had a hard time forgiving him but I do not let him know this. That too is wrong. FCOL, it makes TOTAL sense. Thankfully, my h told her, there is no way I will take the children away from their mother. In 2006, he experienced his very first bout of acute pancreatitis, which was determined to have been caused by extremely elevated triglycerides. I vent ONLY to my bff, who knows our story and my level of commitment to this relationship. That said, anyone who knows my husband and I would say that HE is the boring one; ie, wants to stay home, etc. Some of the big realizations I have had in this post affair phase are: a. I defined myself far too much by my perceived status of good wife and good mother. My ex made out very well during the pre-trial. Im guilty of this some what, but all cheaters will have asob story regarding why they cheat. Do you find yourself constantly needing your husbands attention? John, its one of the hardest things to go through, I highly doubt I could go through it again. He has friends, hobbies, and other commitments that compete for his time. Prayers for peace for you. He shops with me for groceries or they dont get bought. Because he is home 24/7 the bills have increased. What I thought would come back to me at some point (like a true relational marriage), is no longer my dream. My husband doesnt try to do ANYTHING. Sometimes, codependent people may end up in. Plus, he flatly turned down my request that he get counseling or even that WE get counseling. . I think my summer project is going to be to read all of the blog posts and comments from the beginning. In the midst of the fog, they can do no wrong, probably a fair way out of the fog too, before things start showing themselves for what it really was. He never raises his voice. I realized that I was not bored because I was always giving to our marriage and familyshe was the taker which meant she was always waiting for something to be given to her or to happen for her. He is at the point where it scares him to think of what he could have lost. 3. Additionally, try not to nitpick everything that he does wrong. He may feel like he cant do anything right in your eyes or that youre always criticizing him. Well, wow. The cheating spouse still seems to be calling the shots. Time for ME to start setting the bar for my OWN self-esteem and not basing it on HIS assessment of me. I'd go with an ultimatum: remind him you're not his servant, nor a . Its important to have hobbies and interests outside of your relationship. She is also a very nasty person and looking like Miss America couldnt compensate for her internal self. I never did that very much, but now I try not to AT ALL. While there is no doubt that he regrets what he did, that he feels tremendous remorse. 4) He doesn't know how to bring something up. why does it always have to be the men who have to come up with all these spontaneous creative romantic fun things to do to keep a womans heart?! I had a saying Lose the battle, win the war. Meaning the final outcome is in your favor cause you are done with them ! I guess if Ive found any silver lining in my situation it has been establishing a value of self worth that cannot be skewed by anyone and as was said before no more blind faith. When a wife insists on having her own way, she is in essence saying, "I have to be in control." 2. If you are struggling to find a boyfriend OR can't get quality men to commit to you then read this post to find out why. Others blame their spouse ONLY. We never get invited out anywhere together as a couple. Use that time to bond with him, leash-train and you should be good. Our marriage for many years was all about our kids and their activities, sports, etc. But threats of leaving, cutting off "privileges," or even threats . My husbands whore weighed roughly a hundred pounds MORE than me. Yes, she says she feels remorse but she is still defensive about what she did. And he had better think about how to mentally gird himself and decide how to react calmly to it. Does that excuse me got cheating on him? Exercise Grace, I totally agree. I can definitely relate to feeling like my husband never wants to do anything with me. If that something is lacking so severely than they would simply LEAVE. My husband never wants to go out and do things. My husband did, I did, my affair partner did, my husbands affair partner did, every body who ever cheated did, lol. I finally found my balls and filed for divorce. EG, I was indeed joking as she playing the role of advisor, not basher. If that is ever what he wants again (and I doubt it) he can leave with my blessing. For years, the six of us and all of our kids would go camping and do other stuff together several times a year. No exceptions. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. Then when I think about how unappreciative and selfish her betrayal was in the first place I feel like fool for stretching myself so thin when I feel like she should be kissing MY ass. The responsibility for what you did is totally on YOU, no one else. It is so easy to make our lives about our kids. Now he puts extra hours at work and prefers to spend time with his friends. It IS easy to jump on the band wagon when everyone is picking apart their spouses. No way to win with this guy. They questioned whether or not they had anything in common anymore with their husbands. He has not worked in almost a year because it has gotten worse. If he does something differently, it does not mean that it's wrong. He goes to bed whenever he wants and gets up whenever he wants. The affair partner wants to place the blame on the betrayed spouse. And while that might sound easy enough, many of the common phrases we say in our daily lives can get in the way of achieving the goal of keeping an open dialogue between spouses. Make sure to schedule some me time into your week to stay sane and avoid resentment. My husband never wants to hang out and just spend time with me but then gets overly butthurt when we go more than a couple days without having sex. Certainly you must determine that there is nothing more serious physically going on as well. Big surprise. Money cant buy those things and unless your soon to be ex does some serious repenting and reparation, he will NEVER have that. Stop thinking that your way is the "right" way. i really dont mind cleaning, i used to clean the house for him all the . If you have been in this situation you know that this will also include mental, sexual, and many other types of abuse as well. Showing more affection in different ways or spending more time together may help resolve the issue. If you asked Doug today if he is bored I am confident that he would say no (except for an occasional dry spell) He is completely invested in our marriage and puts forth so much time and effort around the house, with our children and to insure that our marriage is healthy. It gets tiresome trying to be everything for someone you feel didnt appreciate the first time. We'd like to take this time to remind users that: We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? It sucks. For many years I have silently said to myself (as my husband worked almost 80 hours/week and let vacation time go because he was too busy to take time off), I told myself to hang in there, itll work out at some point. My husband is retired and never wants to do anything. We go to counseling once a week and it helps but its the only time we ever even talk about her affair. there was a time he was the life of the party and now.I believe he is depressed and has seen his doctor and neurologists for his headaches but no one has told him he may suffer from depression . Rewind 10 years ago and I was a single 25-year-old freshly off finishing grad school at NYU who was moving to start a new chapter and a new job in Austin. Im sure my husbands girl friend was skinny and she really does think she is superior based on that. No matter what the level of infidelity ( from daydreaming about an ex to full blown adultery) the one constant factor in cheaters is that they chose to dishonor their commitment while people who did not cheat honored it. You might think, "I'm a good husband and father, I don't cheat, I'm not mean or abusive, and I'm a good provider financially. There has to be a shift in thinking and approach here. I couldnt say it better EG. if we do go to a wedding as it is an obligation he will sit and not speak to anyone and always wont to leave early. She was not invested like I was. No matter how much our friends love each other and they do they are not immune to boredom. He often jokes about leaving his wife. So, one of the classic signs of a selfish husband is he holds himself in high regard and has a high self-esteem, to the point of being full of himself. Your eyes or that youre always criticizing him as opposed to what they invest in as opposed to they. 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