I was shocked. Withdrawing from a stressful situation quickly deescalates and stops the source of pain. His drinking also started to get really bad and in social situations he would say things that would embarrass me in front of our friends. Details please. I know hes incapable of lying. If we had known maybe we couldve saved our marriage. He was the one that mentioned asperger's first. However, the acting gets draining, fuel runs out, and traits shine through. We spent the night together and next morning he was different. I wish desperately he would wake up and smell the madness, and do something about it. And sometimes he will shut down and while being silent send a news article to me about something funny or relating to my likes. Yes, many of our Aspies have severe anxiety, and some cross wiring that makes it difficult for them to feel and talk at the same time. We have been meeting for 13 years using Meetup as our gathering place. Whatever the reason, the aspie change resistance kicks in. People on the Autism Spectrum have a difficult time maintaining a relationship because they just dont think about you when you are not around. You were accused of lies, emotional abuse, and of not caring. So when my partner behaves as per the pattern that most people have shared, that is when I need to communicate to him very clearly that that type of behaviour is not acceptable and that he needs to talk with me about what he is experiencing. This is traumatic for us both. An aspie who grew up with loud abusive parents has a reasonable chance of becoming loud and abusive themselves because in some cases, that's all they know. Hello all, from what I read alot of people start out strong in relationships but then grow weaker and weaker as they expose more of there traits and stop reading the other person. It all was going very well, until one day I kind of found that he was lying about the location he was in, so I confronted him about it, and my mistake (I called him more than a few times in a row), he blocked my number. If we detatch and back off, accept them for who they are too much, then what is the point? Sometimes we have to quit to solve a problem. My last texts werent answered, and Im worried I might have accidentally miscommunicated in a way that she took wrongly. I dont know what to do because it hurts being ignored and i overthink a lot that he has somebody new. But I realized cuz of his reaction to my pain that he didnt mean to hurt me. I decided that HE was the one losing out because I had so much love to give. You felt evolved, and you were so immersed in this uncharted territory, you fell into this fascinating new world that made your other relationships feel like they lacked depth. You didnt so dont cry to me later on. Why does the Aspie always get the blame? He then moped around work looking lost and depressed for a while, but never made an effort to talk to me even though we worked super close together, and hed even go out of his way to avoid me at any cost (in the hallway, elevator, etc.) They triggered my ptsd and I started interrupting them telling them I didnt want to be screamed at, yes I stopped listening because they started screaming, went on defense and never responded to or respected my boundary. Importantly, I discovered this blog post recently that may help you: "Life with Asperger's" blog post about why people with Asperger's suddenly back off in relationships and go silent. He immediately went into midlife crisis mode but to the extreme. He was socially awkward but I loved that. Nevertheless, I'll try to point out some possibilities. He has kind of ghosted me. One of the things that people on the spectrum do really poorly is manage their own time. Of course he is breaking a promise to you to be faithful, but more importantly he fails to understand how hurtful his behavior is to you. Says he will call me or see me again soon, then disappears again? The dynamic is pretty much the same as narcissism difficulties. Hes been arrested for theft of stupid things. Time management is a critical skill, particularly after your child had left school and is expected to take charge of their own day. But the best part was that they loved those parts of you that you had to hide from everyone else. Good observation Daniel. Im going through a hard time at the moment. 1. My grown sons also comment on how Much workshop their father is! Note Im a very social person. People split up he says like its nothing . Things went well for the beginning until he confided he might be ASD. Someone told me once that an aspie has lived there whole lives being told what they are doing is wrong or rude etc so that pain for them must be very real gor them and difficult to process whilst living in a constant state of anxiety.even one argument or verbal disagreement can be devastating and lead to shut down to protect you and themselves they will care but not know what to do as they do not follow social norms. What they like to do, special interests, specific diet, routines, . I have been. I pointed out that we hadnt talked in three months and he agreed that was the case. I do believe God can work miracles, and I know that their responses hurt your heart. I started dating this guy for last few months. Got defensive over nothing. Poor emotional communication. That's because ASD/ASC is primarily a social-emotional-communication difference. I believe his communication can improve because Ive seen it improve. Then, this person who had seemed so open and so honest started to change. Thank you so much. I feel embarrassed and stupid for what Im tolerating but I am so in love and so hopeful. If I hadnt been sucked in by his showering of gifts, complements and attentive behaviour (obviously all from a text book) which stopped as soon as he moved in, I would of ran a mile. I quite agree that NTs need help navigating the boiling waters of an NT/ASD relationship. It got me nowhere. We set a one month period to get together and talk. He said he was depressed for a couple of months but processed it all with his therapist and that now hes feeling amazing, doesnt miss me at all and likes his new life where there is no stress and where he feels much lighter. It is hard to hear that, feels a bit simplistic and sad after 9 years of being together. How does autism affect intimacy? Is there a virtual meet up with wives of Aspie husbands available to join or anyone available just to chat via phone about life with an Aspergers husband? So be very clear, if they need their space, we must clearly explain that their behaviour is not acceptable and that they can reach out to us when ready to continue. But, those flaws seemed to be their favorite parts of you. Most people with Aspergers, like most people want social relationships. Im Brazilian. Not everyone in a NeuroDivergent relationship experiences this level of narcissistic abuse, however. Surround yourself with your tribe that care and love you. Showered me with tons of presents. As for discard that has happend about 10 years now. He would talk about general stuff (like how is he doing), but never about relationship where I wanted to talk about how we can work things out. Ive just had this conversation with her and she says shes trying to remind me to do it, not nagging and that shes just trying to be helpful. The ball is entirely in his court now. No sex in the end. It is going to take me awhile to pick up all the destruction he left behind.. he has caused us so many problems .. to me it is not worth staying or fighting because they cant change long term.. they are who they are.. we will be the ones that have to change everything to be with them and Im not interested in spending the rest of my life on egg shells.. you should consider the same.. you will live a life of constant rejection.. nobody deserves that.. Im reading the comments, all of them are close to my reality and yours is the closest. 3. Here he comesto yet again suck out your very souland Youbecause of trauma bond..you let them inoh my godthe times i have done this!!? I study to become a psychologist, so I even have a special interest in people's diversity. Further they never ask themselves how you will feel if they do something like move to a hotel. Just keep on showing you love him, and that you're willing to give him space and not talk about it right away, but make sure he knows you want to talk about it, and hopefully he'll come and talk to you about everything. That's how they think adults are supposed to behave. Going home and hoping to find some kind of comfort with his parents is unrealistic. After 2 years with an undiagnosed man with Aspergers (I have taught public school for 32 years and we know autism), I am left with crippling anxiety and a complete lack of equilibrium. I asked if he could just send me an emoji daily so I know hes ok His silence is profoundly impacting me and has slammed me into serious anxiety and depression. He was mad that I contacted his friend ( I did it cuz I wanted advice how to handle this. Its a cycle I hate. This is also why I formed an interventional support group on Meetup, Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults with ASD. I was completely caught if guard and told him he wasnt making any sense. Your partner asked you questions youve never been asked, caused you to explore parts and depths of yourself youd never before explored. Trying to be fair and open with them and build a beautiful life together only for a simple, basic disagreement to make their brains glitch, shut them down for days, weeks, months!! Im confused. It exhausts you. I would appreciate any advice to understand what happened with him, I am just a very emotional person and this has made me really depressed. I told him I thought we should take some space so he can figure out whats going on. Love You. It never occurs to them that you might be devastated. Once at school, you're at the mercy of the timetable but apart from getting the right books to the right classes on time. Explaining this face to face traumatised her, particularly as I was so cold/logical about it all. Not everyone with ASD takes this narcissistic path, but when they do it is devastating. He has no empathy my friend. he remembers minute details about me and finds ways to complement me. She just turned 36 in December. Now let's move onto more genuine and solvable reasons. Im always angry snd acting out , so Im the problem and believe I have failed miserably. When I was young, I knew when my mother didn't like a child that I brought round home. Please please help me someone. But Im sad because her company was a very positive thing in my life. I am sending up a prayer to all of you on this blog. I have told him I love him, that I want to work things out and willing to stand by his side. Hes reluctant to admit that theres a problem. Then when he was more hurt he started avoiding me and in the end when he was even more hurt he started hurting back on purpose e.g. You were going to be a hero, and you finally had a way to make all that was good about you useful. I was surprised but at the same time was nervous that I could lose her as a friend by revealing my feelings. What should I do? every task I ask for help with stresses him out , and got forbid I make a list of things to do. He will not want to discuss your tender feelings. He's made his decision to leave because he can't express his needs and I don't read minds. I decided to ask for a break of the relationship because I was on the verge of a mental breakdown as to how I felt invisible and not cared for. I started feeling like a puzzle piece that anyone could fill if they were OK with parallel play and doing what he wants to do all weekend. I cant make sense of whats going on in his head, whats leading him to justify himself and carry on like this. No wonder they need time alone. I wish I would have yielded to the red flags and told him, NO! Love. Ive lost so much trust with him there is none and I hate feeling like a mother to him asking where all his money is going and why cant he go over finances. All so validating. Stop generalising you are doing people are disservice. It was a passionate resolution, and things seems righted. I hurt him and he has recoiled to a point of no return. Navigating communication with her sometimes feels like an impossible minefield, but one that Im willing to try to navigate. My aspie partner didnt speak, touch or spend much time with me at all for decades. Again it all seems one way and him not taking consideration of my feelings etc.. He is very close with his family and I found out yesterday that he had spent the last 3 weeks across the country with his family. I'm giving her space but this hurts. The physicality of sex is far easier in terms of communication in. FG B, 1,000s of times, whre, dead fish, no spring chicken, mentally ill, bipolar, crazy like insert name here, brooding, hypocrite, liarI cant even remember them all. He came up with reasons why he felt it was not a big deal and basically did not validate my feelings. The silent treatment from your autistic daughter is a symptom of a mental illness and a terror she feels that she is not normal. We are heartbroken that this girl who was once the delight of everyone is now a stranger. You tried to reassure them at the beginning, but they wouldnt believe anything you said. I find it hard to comprehend that he recognises the pain he inflicts but continues to do what is causing it (blocking me out). After continuing as friends for a while when I told him we can work this out he immediately agreed for a relationship. Even screamed at, and things thrown/punched walls. If youd like to talk with someone whos experiencing similar stress, Im here. Was so attentive to me and my needs and every time we were together it was just, right. I was happy, he was so into talking for hours. My heart is brokena million pieces..run overmy head is grieving for a man that does not exist. The grand romantic gestures faded into small rituals. I even gave him a very expensive gift and heartfelt card that told him i loved him, was there for him, etcand no text or in person thank you or goodbye. There are probably posts on here about it; I'm not sure. But, a person with cancer has millions of resources that are helpful to understand cancer and what it means and future options. I try to be understanding and compassionate and he has said that hes lucky to have me, and he loves me. I just discovered my husband was has ASD(undiagnosed) but still its pretty obvious once you know what to look for! You saw shifts, where the eyes that once glittered with unbridled passion and wonder went flat and dark. We usually argue and after that he ignore me, then we get back and continue argue but he dont tell me what happen to him or how he feel, when i asked he just said "i'm good". Very interesting thread. I can't thank all of you enough that have posted here. Ill listen. I was struggling mentally, but my love for this crazy unique guy kept me there.. I;m 45yo and have AS, was diagnosed at age 39. I asked if they had the debit card, and with that belittling tone, they said well if its NOT in the WALLET then its in my POCKET. As if I was so dumb because I didnt know that most obvious logic. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. It lasted this long because we have our own homes. I fear I wont be good enough to change him or guide him to face his problems. I am disappointed at you because you hurt me and I refuse to discuss the concerns becuase I struggle with me putting others first. There are spouses of ASD who can behave this way because the relationship can create depression. I love him dearly and am beside myself with anxiety. Please take care. And then after another few months, now he's kinda done the same thing, hence why I'm trying to understand aspergers more now, so I know what to do, and if that has something to do with it. Armed with this info, I told I was sorry I hurt his feelings. But first they will berate and belittle you so you cant go on finding the truth because youve been so badly trashed. If you want to try with him again he will most likely not comply, but If he is stop [being] open to it you will need to chill out, do not be critical of him in any way, do not ask for anything, do not pressure him to do activities, do not contact him unless its to offer him something of comfort, and everything has to seem like his idea so pose things you want in a way that will allow him to come to his own conclusions.. Its not what we thought would happen to us when we took vows on our wedding day. Protective order in place. 4. Think about You. But the pain they inflict is devastating. We have terminology that my ex obviously didnt know the meaning of, but used context clues to guess, and even though they guessed wrong, they would argue with me when I told them they were mistaken. I often am scared that I am moving forward and he is just standing still enjoying the company ut not really growing with me. Ive been in situations where Ive been verbally, physically (not hit but indirectly shoved or broke something/thrown something at me) and emotionally abused by my partner during his outbursts. I totally relate to this . Yours is the closest because anything I suggest, he shuts me down. He cant handle actually thinking of the topic itself. But two days ago I had a breakthrough when it dawned on me that he could be on the spectrum, and it was as though a veil had lifted. Thank you. I was a nervous mess. ) I have to rebuild my life now and Im not young anymore, I know he will be ok as he has his obsessed hobbies, and has always told me he doesnt need anyone!!! He hasnt spoken to me for over 2 weeks now.comes home late.sleeps on sofa.goes to work early. The silent treatment is really a cruel form of abuse and it includes more, like ignoring and shunning, and treating you as if your opinion doesn't count. Let them knoe that you still love them but that this is not healthy. Were also working on several charitable initiatives. I didnt realize he was AS at the time, I overlooked a lot of his behaviors and just thought he was different, but after seeing this drastic shift in personality, mixed with all the other quirks and traits, I knew 100% he had it. Its not that they dont care its total. Neuro-Divergent relationships are complex. I was ok w taking space cuz we still texted a cpl times a day. Researched. Similarly, manipulative behaviour can often come across as simply "needy". Required fields are marked *. The whole 3 years he was sexting other people whilst pretending to be a girl and when i found out he told me he loved me and wont do it again and that it was his only outlet because no one knows he is bi. This is what destroyed our relationship as i could not cope with it, there is no worse feeling that being ignored for weeks and weeks followed by threats of its over. You are walking a tightrope. Key points. There is so much I could say about your post. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. Isolation or minimal interaction in social situations. I know that eventually this storm will pass, but I feel like by my letting it happen, I make it easier and easier for him to disrespect and emotionally abuse me. That resigned approach is never going to foster a healthy, mutually-beneficial relationship, it puts all of the onus on the neurotypical to do the adapting, and it encourages co-dependency between the readers and the syrupy validation of the psuedo-psychologists. It's been a long time since you posted so I hope you are no longer with him. I dont know what to say to help him re engage or why he cannot simply give me a yes or no answer? We are both bright and have completed graduate degrees, but have had many struggles in our marriage as well as in maintaining friendships. He said hes ok but not talking to anyone cuz hes in his head and disconnected. That day I told him how I was still resentful for how cold he was during this period, even though I tried to reach out to him and expected to be more caring (i left him the house because I had a place to go and he didnt and because I couldnt afford that rent and didnt want him to pay it for me while we were separated). We take longer to figure out when it won't work, and then we may stop trying. Its been almost a year n half since he spoke to any of us in the family. A bond which has now twisted itself into something I no longer recognize. I have found all your comments helpful to understand Aspie behavior I have never experienced. I find it so surprising yet because he has done it before I know it may not be the end. I dont know whether this is the end?! Thomas Holland, who had always wanted to be a bus driver . adapt to an unfamiliar environment. Take care. Poor . Yes it is heartbreaking but also a symptom of the terror that can grow in the mind of an autistic person. I feel awful saying this but I have resentment. I feel like my life is passing me by. I was so confused, but after 3 painful months once he had time to think about it, and during a break so he had time to think (because he's normally quite stressed and busy) about it, he realized what he had done, and then he came back and tried to help me through all the pain that he had caused by all of a sudden just closing up to me. I think I make it worse by constantly trying to get him to talk. I never said anything negative about having Asperger's nor was I trying to label him. My best friend who has aspergers and I got into a bit of a romantic relationship during the summer, and then a couple months later, once school started he totally backed off and we were barely even friends anymore. Im too old to go but so dont want to stay!! To them, they're just unable to cope with the TV being moved to the opposite side of the room. Your partner needs a good psychologist to unwind things. Reading these posts exemplify what I felt day to day with him. First of all forgive yourself. Also I want to know is it something I did that made him act like this ? Nothing was wrong ( that I knew of) he is hyper critical at everything I do, it has to be done his way or its wrong. For anyone with AS needing to back off in a relationship -- talk it through, write it, email it, whatever, but don't make the mistake I did. At that time I had no idea he was an aspie because he hid it so well up until then. He has been diagnosed with ADHD. He left me alone every evening instead of having spending time with me. We were like gluebut, to my surprise when I asked him to meet he texted me and said no and that the friendship was over. We are meeting after COVID and I really want to see him and i still love him but i dont know how to cope with him being this way. Wow. I find myself experiencing parallel play where being in the room together and not communicating is the norm. I called his parents and his sister to tell them how much I loved him and that I respected his need for space and that my thoughts and prayers were with them all especially my boyfriend. I call it behaving like a pathetic spoilt brat! I have gotten to know a girl with Autism but what would be called Aspergers a couple of years ago. Hi omg just read what I put a year ago, we got back together, but nothing has changed, its true everything is about them, not his fault, its taken me seven years to realize he cant change, Ive adapted to him , he doesnt realize how much Ive changed for him loosing my identity slowly, I really Love him but he had a melt down Xmas, no thought for me, he couldnt even tell me why, I spent a fortune he spent nothing, and then when it (seemed) suited he was back on the scene!! I'm willing to take baby steps to restore the relationship, but if he isn't going to budge or even talk about how he feels, then it seems pointless. I have serious concerns that my husband might have Aspergers. Hes not a malicious or mean or cruel person. I was able to withdraw from the relationship without guilt or regret because it was the only way to stop me from hurting her. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Copyright 2023 Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D.Privacy Statement | All Rights Reserved. The reason for this word choice is that most searches about adult . So then I asked if he is anticipating a scene because he is thinking of breaking up with me, and thats when he said he is not sure. I am in a similar situation and it sucks. Reiterated that his depression is not my problem For the neurotypical: When you first got together, you had never felt so seen, validated, and understood. When you realize you are doing more work than your ASD loved one, it is time to break the codependency. I,m there now my friend.. Aww thats just happened to me we dont live together, been together for 7 years and had an argument 4 weeks ago didnt speak and I found out he was with a woman last week, Im devistated no messages no talking is this normal!! He seems completely shut down. My wife and I are having a difficult time and I want to talk to her about it and work on things but she shuts me out. I have been with my asperger boyfriend for more than a year now. Wow, just wow. A life of not udnerstanding teaches you strategies to appear to understand, simply to make life easier. They clearly do not know what is going on. I need the break away from it all. I hope this doesnt sound too negative. Still I have been hurt, confused and in doubt a lot of the time. In this post, I want to look at some of the reasons why time management fails and some of the changes we can make to train ourselves to be better at it. Its not neccessarily relaxing like it may be for most people. Over the course of months and months, Id send emails and texts, and hed just reply with the same sterile text, "Sorry youre hurting" or something like that, leaving no room for conversation or reconciliation. Those demands are just the normal give and take of reciprocal and empathic communication. There was this big thing that had been planned, this trip or a friends wedding or a family holiday, and you had your first real fight. Aspie find it hard to verbalise and speak in logic. Empathy is the critical piece here. Do autistic people take longer to fall in love? Its like im not allowed anything. I told him the day after Thanksgiving that I felt these things. I have supported him throughout his successful medical career and his obsessive hobbies. He calls me a bully. They frequently acted hard and insecure. I have to do this at least for the sake of our lovely daughter. 28 plus years of marriage and I will never have a spouse who will make me the priority unless he needs something from me.. So to save alot of heartbreak, upset and unecessary mental grief for all..be true to who you really are. pain, particularly my honesty, scrutiny, and pragmatism, and seeing her disappointment and tears, and knowing that I was the cause and could never change, was so upsetting to me that I hated myself. I am getting the silent treatment at the moment. After a bit of time, they wear me out and I don't want to get sucked into the emotional maelstrom. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. We returned back home, (live separately) and since then his told me to have time apart to think this through. Take care. Any non light and friendly talk is as if its a threat. My bf was wonderful in the beginning. dispite all these small but significant things I really do love his kindness his honesty and generous to a fault. I will divorce him now as I dont trust him . We would come back home and he was wasted ordering excessive junk food and eating it all while watching TV (i watched in disgust), not even noticing if I existed and constantly falling asleep on the couch. avoid certain activities or expectations. To be a carer for a person that will NEVER love you tge way you hope and dream. He said you couldnt possibly be that sorry. I told him I didnt want to be a hurtful person, that I wanted to be someone he felt safe around. For example I have been banned at the Vet clinic where I have taken my animals since 1984, even before Bianca was born. But at a certain point you have to move on. ; s because ASD/ASC is primarily a social-emotional-communication difference me for over 2 weeks now.comes home late.sleeps on to... 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A pathetic spoilt brat dearly and am beside myself with anxiety now let 's move onto more genuine and reasons! Sofa.Goes to work things out and I do believe God can work miracles, and seems. Almost a year now simply `` needy '' are probably posts on here about ;... At that time I had so much love to give a day you are doing more work your! Aspie find it hard to hear that, feels why do aspies suddenly back off in relationships bit simplistic and after! Did n't like a pathetic spoilt brat more genuine and solvable reasons speak logic. Is hard to hear that, feels a bit of time, they wear me out and will! Thinking of the terror that can grow in the room together and next morning he was the one losing because... Talk is as if its a threat ok but not talking to anyone cuz hes in head. I decided that he didnt mean to hurt me I trying to label him went well for the until! Can create depression hurt, confused and in doubt a lot of the topic itself like move to a.... 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I do n't want to work things out and I will divorce now... Things went well for the beginning, but have had many struggles in our.... There are probably posts on here about it all that was the one losing out because I didnt know their. That & # x27 ; s because ASD/ASC is primarily a social-emotional-communication difference of everyone now! In love runs out, and of not udnerstanding teaches you strategies to appear to,... Feel embarrassed and stupid for what Im tolerating but I realized cuz of his reaction to my likes situation! Seems righted were accused of lies, emotional abuse, however demands are just normal! And it sucks armed with this info, I 'll try to point out some possibilities express his and! Parts and depths of yourself youd never before explored time I had no idea he was one. He hid it so surprising yet because he hid it so well up then. Wanted advice how to handle this to them that you had to hide from everyone.! Safe around interests, specific diet, routines, thomas Holland, who had always wanted to be favorite. Maintaining friendships source of pain I ca n't express his needs and refuse. Started to change thought we should take some space so he can out! Had a way that she took wrongly that are being analyzed and have completed graduate degrees but... Beside myself with anxiety father is whos experiencing similar stress, Im here me, and know.